How to properly play the jukebox at a strange redneck bar

OK, so you walk into a strange redneck bar in a town you've never been to and the silence is deafening. Quizzical looks from suspicious eyes are immediately shot in your direction.

Step One, order a domestic beer in a bottle or whiskey only, period. Do not order anything outside of this on your first order, also say it loud enough so that everyone can hear your appropriate choice of beverage.

Step Two, walk straight over to the jukebox (make a b-line) and promptly insert at least two dollars.

Step Three, at this point you should have determined whether the crowd (including the bar tender) is a younger or an older crowd (I draw the line of distinction at around 40 years). If the crowd is on the older side, go straight to "C" and find Johnny Cash. Play a good Johnny Cash song within the first 30 seconds of standing at the jukebox. Note: This quick decision will show competence and good taste. Now that you have some Folsom Prison Blues playing throughout the bar, the locals will be put at ease and you can now relax and really look through the jukebox's selection . Note: If the crowd is on the younger side, you would do the same as above, except instead of "C" you would go straight to "A" and locate ACDC. Play anything from ACDC, preferably something from the Bonn Scott era. Both of these first choices are absolutely imperative, because not only does it display your good taste, it also lets people know that your not some city slicker douche-bag, and you might just have a gun tucked in your sock.

If steps 1-3 have been followed correctly you'll be able to glance around the bar in order to see if the patrons and bar tender are taping there feet or moving their head along with the tune. This will also allow you to take the temperature of the bar. For instance, is it early? Are people likely to be hung over? If so, keep it mellow at first. Stick to country and classic rock. If it is later in the afternoon, or at night, step it up a bit. Play some Van Hallen, more ACDC, Guns & Roses, and build up to Black Sabbath or some Metallica. However, be careful to notice real drunk rednecks whom may get too excited if you play Metallica, etc.

Step Four, it is important to make all your selections by the end of the first song, it just looks better. Note: If there are drunk women at the bar or if the bartender is a hot chick play a song or two just for them. It is important to not run them out or turn them off, this will turn the entire bar against you on principal. Good girl songs may include any of the following: Anything from Sublime, Elvis, the song "Crazy Bitch," Janis Joplin, Al Green, Barry White, Led Zepplin etc.

Step Five, fill out the playlist using common sense. Try to imagine pacifying a large motorcycle gang with your selections. I recommend plenty of Lynard Skynard, Merle Haggard, Stevie Ray Vaughn, more Johnny Cash, George Thoroghgood, Pink Floyd, Judas Priest, Rolling Stones, and Black Sabbath.

For the younger crowd good selections include: ACDC, Bob Marley, Sublime, Ozzy Osborne, Tool, Guns and Roses, Alice in Chains, Jimi Hendrix, Faith No More, Pantera, and Hank Williams Jr. Try to avoid rap or anything too abrasive at first. Be conservative, see if the bar warms up to you then feel it our from there. Note: You may be able to get away with playing old Snoop Dog if it is a younger crowd with women and devoid of white supremacists.

If you can follow these instructions, you should be able to enjoy your time at the strange redneck bar, and you might even get lucky. Just be sure not to hit on the wrong girl. Play some pool, and make some friends. Once warmed up to you, strange rednecks can be some of the funniest, and warmest people you can get smashed with. Cheers!

Note: it is not advisable to play any of the following: Leif Garret, early Deicide, Cannibal Corpse, Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha, Kanye West, Master P.