The Craig's List Band Experiment - Part One

After I finished the bar exam and got settled into Sacramento, it started...I began to get the itch to play metal again.

Perhaps it was the months of studying and moving that made me want to set up my drums and beet the living shit out of them, I can't be sure. I was sure however, that it was time, but how to go about finding like minded individuals to play with? I pondered.

Here I was, living in a new city where I really didn't know anyone, let alone metal heads who weren't dangerous felons. Then I said it: "Craig's List?...Oh God, it's finally come to this," I shuddered.

My early attempts at trolling Craig's List for metal bands were wildly unsuccessful. Between me not being between "16-25" and having no desire to lay down a beat for some bullshit hipster Sacramentans or 50 something "classic rockers" I was finding nothing.

When I tried creating my own post, it went something like this:

Drummer looking to play metal - You like Slayer?....Fuck Yeah! You like to break shit?....Me too! Let's get drunk and fuckin kill it. I eat blast-beats for breakfast. Influences: Blah, blah, blah, Slayer, blah, blah, blah, Pantera, blah, blah, blah, Deicide. Double-bass for your face."

I received no responses. "What a bunch of fucking pussies" I thought. Finally after a couple of misses, I found a rather intriguing post. It said something to this effect:

Melodic Hard Rock Band Seeking Drummer - "We are all working professionals who have jobs and families, we have our own studio complete with PA and drum set, looking for a like minded individual to play originals, practice 2-3 per week and eventually play shows."

Working professionals with families? fuck this shit, sounds like a bunch of old squares, I thought. But wait a minute, I have career, I have a fam...NOooooooooooooooo!!!!!!! cry! sob! (puking noises). That's when I realized that I was now one of those working stiffs with grey hairs who listened to "old bands" Fuck it, if you can't beat'em join'em, I thought.

So I decided to call the guy. One of the first things he told me on the phone, was that there was absolutely no drug use of any kind allowed, apparently they had a problem with "the last guy" and his apparent "marijuana use." STRIKE ONE. Then he told me they used to be a Metallica cover band, STRIKE TWO. Then when I told him that I was an attorney, he said, "that's great, I'm in law enforcement." STRIKE-FUCKING-THREE!!!

"I'll get back to you" I told him, and I immediately threw the phone to the ground disgusted as if the phone were some vile insect. As I ran to the bathroom to wash my ear and hand where the phone had been touching, I thought to myself: "A fucking cop! Go fucking figure, motherfucking Craig's List piece of shit!!!" I shouted in my head so my coworkers couldn't hear" "I'll never join that band in a million years," I thought with confidence.

To Be Continued

The art of ordering Mexican food at a foreign restaurant

So if you live in California like me, you have probably had your fair share of Mexican food. Hopefully you have an idea of the kinds of dishes you like - E.G. burritos, tacos, chili verde, combinacions, etc... Well Sir, let me give you some advice (I promise not to make all these blog posts about advice and/or telling you what to do, but hey I'm the Death Metal lawyer, just so shut up and listen). If you are starving while on business or vacation and you pull up to some Mexican food joint you know absolutely nothing about, simply follow these simple ground rules and you'll stand a great chance of not hating your meal, thus leaving you muy contento instead of sad and unfulfilled (que lastima).

So here are the three simple rules for ordering a meal the first time you encounter a strange Mexican food establishment(including those with wheels):

RULE #1 - If the word "burritos" or "tacos" appears in the Name of the establishment EG. "Rico's Tacos" get that.

RULE #2 - If the place is a sit-down type of place with actual menus (not just one big menu painted on the wall), try a combination or dinner plate.

RULE #3 - Order nothing with fish or shrimp UNLESS you happen to be in San Diego.

WILD CARD - Roach Coaches with no indicator in the name - Eat at your own risk. Or, you ca simply ask the hombre working: "Que esta muy bien Amigo?"


This is sure fire time tested method. I have seen many people not follow this approach and fail miserably, a co-worker who ordered a shrimp quesedilla in Orange County comes to mind. Well amigos that's all for now. Hope to see all of you after the bar exam. Adios.

How to properly play the jukebox at a strange redneck bar

OK, so you walk into a strange redneck bar in a town you've never been to and the silence is deafening. Quizzical looks from suspicious eyes are immediately shot in your direction.

Step One, order a domestic beer in a bottle or whiskey only, period. Do not order anything outside of this on your first order, also say it loud enough so that everyone can hear your appropriate choice of beverage.

Step Two, walk straight over to the jukebox (make a b-line) and promptly insert at least two dollars.

Step Three, at this point you should have determined whether the crowd (including the bar tender) is a younger or an older crowd (I draw the line of distinction at around 40 years). If the crowd is on the older side, go straight to "C" and find Johnny Cash. Play a good Johnny Cash song within the first 30 seconds of standing at the jukebox. Note: This quick decision will show competence and good taste. Now that you have some Folsom Prison Blues playing throughout the bar, the locals will be put at ease and you can now relax and really look through the jukebox's selection . Note: If the crowd is on the younger side, you would do the same as above, except instead of "C" you would go straight to "A" and locate ACDC. Play anything from ACDC, preferably something from the Bonn Scott era. Both of these first choices are absolutely imperative, because not only does it display your good taste, it also lets people know that your not some city slicker douche-bag, and you might just have a gun tucked in your sock.

If steps 1-3 have been followed correctly you'll be able to glance around the bar in order to see if the patrons and bar tender are taping there feet or moving their head along with the tune. This will also allow you to take the temperature of the bar. For instance, is it early? Are people likely to be hung over? If so, keep it mellow at first. Stick to country and classic rock. If it is later in the afternoon, or at night, step it up a bit. Play some Van Hallen, more ACDC, Guns & Roses, and build up to Black Sabbath or some Metallica. However, be careful to notice real drunk rednecks whom may get too excited if you play Metallica, etc.

Step Four, it is important to make all your selections by the end of the first song, it just looks better. Note: If there are drunk women at the bar or if the bartender is a hot chick play a song or two just for them. It is important to not run them out or turn them off, this will turn the entire bar against you on principal. Good girl songs may include any of the following: Anything from Sublime, Elvis, the song "Crazy Bitch," Janis Joplin, Al Green, Barry White, Led Zepplin etc.

Step Five, fill out the playlist using common sense. Try to imagine pacifying a large motorcycle gang with your selections. I recommend plenty of Lynard Skynard, Merle Haggard, Stevie Ray Vaughn, more Johnny Cash, George Thoroghgood, Pink Floyd, Judas Priest, Rolling Stones, and Black Sabbath.

For the younger crowd good selections include: ACDC, Bob Marley, Sublime, Ozzy Osborne, Tool, Guns and Roses, Alice in Chains, Jimi Hendrix, Faith No More, Pantera, and Hank Williams Jr. Try to avoid rap or anything too abrasive at first. Be conservative, see if the bar warms up to you then feel it our from there. Note: You may be able to get away with playing old Snoop Dog if it is a younger crowd with women and devoid of white supremacists.

If you can follow these instructions, you should be able to enjoy your time at the strange redneck bar, and you might even get lucky. Just be sure not to hit on the wrong girl. Play some pool, and make some friends. Once warmed up to you, strange rednecks can be some of the funniest, and warmest people you can get smashed with. Cheers!

Note: it is not advisable to play any of the following: Leif Garret, early Deicide, Cannibal Corpse, Justin Timberlake, Ke$ha, Kanye West, Master P.